Monday, October 10, 2011

Round 1: Erin - 1, Cancer - 0. Round 2: 10/11/11

Tomorrow is the big day in the next phase of my journey.  I have experienced all types of emotion - nerves, anxiousness, fears, worry, and saddness.  But today, for the first time, I experienced a new feeling.  I am excited.  I am excited to be finished with this torment and wondering what the next major tragedy will be.  I am excited to move on to my new body and not have to worry about my old body attacking me.  I am excited to say that chemo is over and now surgery will soon be over too.  I am excited to move on with my life and get back to "normal".

But did you know, that out of the 210,000 women that are diagnosed this year, only 11,000 of these women are under 40?  So the odds were not in my favor, but there were a lot of things in my favor.  I got pregnant during the first month Brian and I tried.  I had a very rare symptom that most women do not experience - bleeding from the nipple.  There was no tumor, no lump and I felt great.  I had enough OB-GYN appointments scheduled that they got me in for an ultrasound right away.  I had a team of five doctors compiled less than one week after my diagnosis on March 11 and started my first chemo treatment on March 17. My estrogent receptive cancer became very apparent because of my little Evan that we conceived so easily.  Now, exactly seven months later, they are removing all of the tissue that can give me cause for concern and I am excited.  My baby is healthy, my family is strong and I'm ready.  Let's get this moving!  I want it out! 

I know this is a graphic picture but I need to know that it's okay I am going to be different and feel different and look different.  And I want my friends and family to know that I am okay.  My little vacation gave me a second-wind and help me put this in perspective.  Going back to work helped me put things in perspective.  I am needed as a mom, as a wife, as a daughter, as a sister, as a co-worker, and as a friend.  People love me and support me, so the least I can do is go in this with my head held high and fight the best I can.  I tolerated chemo pretty damn well and I am determined to do the same with my surgery tomorrow.   So, I will allow myself the feelings of fear, worry, saddness, blah, blah, blah.  But right now, at this moment, I have an overwhelming desire to go out and kick some ass.  And embrace my scar.  And know that I am doing everything I can to make this go away and bring my sunshine back again.  Sunshine in my life, sunshine in my eyes and sunshine to everyone around me.

So, I embrace the prayers and thoughts that are being sent my way.  I thank you so much for them.  But I am ready for this and I am going to win.  I consider myself a winner of Round One versus chemo (and since I'm also the referee, I may play favorites).  So now, I'm going big in Round Two.

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