Thursday, April 26, 2012
The conversation with my surgeon this week made me realize how critical this little pill is to my treatment and future health. My good friend, Rita Rivard, a RN that I met through Komen, supported that same message today. The logical side of my brain also knows that I need to have this drug if I want to be my healthiest self.
But I've had to do a lot of mourning and a lot of grieving this week. Brian asked my why having a second child is so important to me, when I am already blessed with the one I have. I feel that I need to explain this position because not many people understand. Evan is a blessing - the most wonderful, awe-inspiring child I could ever imagine. He saved my life and brings smiles to me everyday. I cherish the moments I have to rock him to sleep (when he will let me) and adore the fact that he crawls over on the bathroom floor and tugs at my pajama pants while I am getting ready in the morning. This has nothing to do with not loving Evan with every part of my being.
It has to do with loving my siblings. I want Evan to have a Meghan and Bryan to love and cherish. I want Evan to have that person to complain to about Mom and Dad. I want to know that if something happens to me, Evan will always have that brother or sister to lean on. I know that Evan has Gavin and Cohen; the relationship the three boys has is amazing. Gavin and Cohen are such wonderful older brothers and adore Evan. I couldn't ask for a better situation. But Gavin and Cohen come as a pair - and they leave as a pair. They are away on weekends together and away on some family vacations without us. They will be in middle school and high school together. I know they will always love their little brother, but Evan deserves someone around all of the time. He deserves my Meghan and Bryan.
And selfishly, I want two children to love and hold. I want a big, fat family that loves to spends weekends at our house. I want kids coming over after every football game and for pictures before Homecoming. I want Evan to feel like he is the most cherished in the world; along with his little brother or sister.
So, I have grieved about letting this dream go. Certainly, I may be lucky and be able to get pregnant. But five years is a long time and I'm not sure how I will feel about a baby when I have a fourteen year old, twelve year old and six year old in our house. My dream of having two kids within a few years of each other is not my reality anymore.
The Tamoxifen is in my bathroom. I stupidly tucked it in the bottom drawer in the back of a bunch of stuff. "Out of sight, out of mind"? I know it's there and I know I have to take it. But I'm not quite ready today. Maybe I will be tomorrow and maybe it won't be until next week. But it's in my future; just not the future I imagined.