It's been awhile since my last post; not for lack of ideas or things to say, but more uncertainty about what to say and how to say it. I had so many ideas of things to write about for Father's Day but the day came and went and I remained post-less. It was my 31st birthday this week and I was thinking about all of my blessings - but it's hard to celebrate when your mind is elsewhere. Don't get me wrong; I had an amazing birthday. I had my big birthday celebration a few weeks ago. My actual day started with a great walk with my little man on a beautiful morning. Nana showed up and we ran a few errands with Evan. Then Nana and Evan went out while I attended to some conference calls. I got a pedicure with my mom and sister and then dinner at my favorite restaurant - THE MELTING POT! (I love this place; no one else really does, so I have to make sure we make an annual birthday trip there). Perfect day, perfect way to celebrate 31!
But my mind has been elsewhere. When you are in treatment for cancer, or a cancer survivor, you become part of a club. You share stories and empathize over doctors and work extra hard to provide smiles by sending cards, gift baskets and little things to bring cheer. Last December, was the first time I made a real "cancer" connection. My friend "Barb" (not her real name, but I didn't ask her if I could share what a superstar she is) was a breast-cancer survivor and approaching her five year mark. Barb gave me advice on what to do with my hair, ideas for conquering pain, and insurance company grievances. Brian and I felt a kinship with Barb and her husband. Not only were we amazed at Barb's strength, but she was beautiful, had younger children, worked full-time and was so relatable. Brian and I started talking about Barb a lot; if Barb could get through this journey, we could get through this journey.
So, imagine my devastation when I learned that Barb was experiencing extreme pain and something didn't seem right. Barb had to undergo many tests and a lot of waiting time to find out the results. Although Barb did EVERYTHING right when she was diagnosed five years ago, it didn't work. Barb's cancer is back, infiltrating her chest wall. The cancer is pressing on her lymph tract so she is suffering from severe pain in her arm and back. When I found out the news, I called Brian right away and cried. I love Barb; she is my role model and inspiration. I don't want Barb to suffer and I hate to think of what her family is going through. This shouldn't be happening to her and she shouldn't have to worry about cancer again. When I talked to Barb she said, "I will be ok". She was reassuring me! I am sending all of my love and prayer to Barb and her amazing husband and ask that you do the same. She deserves a happy ending and victory over this once more.
I had another special family member touch my heart last year; a cousin of my dad's, "Peg" suffered from sinus cancer. Peg and I didn't know each other intimately, but she sent me cards every week when I was diagnosed. Peg would call my Dad and ask about how I was doing, all while she was going through her own battle. It was Peg's sincerity and generosity that amazed me most. In some of the cards she sent me she would say, "You are so strong", all the while she was going through her own intense battle. Peg's cancer metastasized from her sinuses to her lungs. It quickly spread to her spine. I was shocked to find out that Peg's fight came to an abrupt and unfair end a week ago. Once it had spread to her lungs, a doctor told her it was time to get her affairs in order. I am horrified that it can happen so quickly. And how on earth was Peg sending cards of support to me, when I should have been doing the same to her.
I don't know if it is happening more often or I am more aware, but even Robin Robert's announcement of her blood disorder sent my mind on a spiral. Is she going to be ok? I admired her fight from afar, always carrying herself publicly with such poise and grace. Now, with the rest of her loyal morning audience, I wait, and root, for a clean bill of health.
I suppose it's only natural to run into these situations more since I am connecting with people going through the same thing I am. On my great days, I think that I am strong and young and will take charge of my health. On my sad days, I think that I have bad luck, with Stage 3 cancer and am just waiting for it to come back. It's coming back to my friends...why not me? This line of thinking isn't good for anyone; especially the people that need me to be strong for them.
My mom gave me some great advice: this is my time to be there for others the way they were there for me. It's my turn to send the cards, make the phone calls, surprise with flowers. I am going to try to push my fears aside, and even cast them away, so I can be the amazing support that I once had. It also helps to know that every night in my prayers, I say a special prayer for Barb, Peg and Robin. All strong, amazing women that are giving, and gave, everything to their fight.